Beautiful morning light, accompany you to read.
"do you think I am a terrible mother?"
I was chatting with my best friend Wechat last night, and she suddenly asked me that.
it turned out that she couldn't help yelling at her son again.
her son coughed a little badly, and the doctor asked him to avoid certain foods. as a result, his son not only ate the ice cream in the refrigerator, but also refused to admit it. She was angry, and vicious words gushed out all over the house:
"I know to eat. Do you want to get rid of your cough?"
"cough to death!"
after being yelled at this time, the son didn't say a word, didn't cry, and went back to his room.
at night, her son coughed. Regretful and guilty, she got up and poured her son a glass of warm water and apologized.
as a result, the son turned his back to her and said nothing.
and, as soon as she was stubborn, she didn't talk to her for two days.
she said in distress, "I feel that the child is getting farther and farther away from me."
think of a passage that senior international journalist Zhou Yijun said:
what is on the mind of a child who does not speak after being yelled at?
after reading the following three stories, maybe we can find the answer.
the first story comes from the personal experience shared by a mother in Tieba.
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that year, she suffered from the breakdown of her marriage, the bottleneck of her career, and caught fire every day, and her 7-year-old son inevitably became her punching bag.
she always couldn't help herself and yelled at her son:
"Why are you drawing on the wall again? are you deaf?"
"if you don't pick up the toys, I'll throw you away!"
"you are just an oil bottle. What's the use of raising you?"
gradually, every time he was yelled at, the son stood by the side and lowered his head and pursed his mouth, and his two small hands clasped the corners of his clothes tightly and muted his mood.
at first she was a little smug, so she yelled twice and obeyed.
until once, she accidentally found that her son had written such a paragraph in her diary:
Mother must not love me!
Today, my mother was angry with me again, with a straight face, staring like a bronze bell, and poking my head with her finger from time to time. I yelled several times "I should have known I didn't want you"
I was very scared. How can I make my mother not angry?
her son's heartfelt words stung her like a needle.
she remembered that that day, when her son didn't see her at the amusement park, he burst into sweat for fear of being left behind. She was devastated when she thought of her son's carefully fawning look on her face and his appearance of fawning and fawning.
Professor Li Meijin once said: "when parents get angry, the fear of their children is like being cornered by several tigers."
if you yell at your child, he will not stop loving you, but he will live in fear of not being loved and lose more and more trust in his parents and sense of security.
the second story comes from a 22-year-old girl from Guangxi.
she said: "I will never forget the harm my mother did to me."
that day, the deskmate lost 5 yuan, rummaged through the schoolbag, but did not see it, so suspected that she had taken it, under the dispute, the two began to fight, all hung with lottery.
for this reason, the teacher invited parents to school.
when she was punished at the door of the office, she watched her mother walk up to her angrily, not asking about the situation, not asking about her injuries, regardless of the students coming and going in the hallway, growling directly:
"if you don't learn well every day, you will know that you will be in trouble, and you will be ashamed of yourself."... "
she tried to explain several times, but she was yelled back by her mother. At that moment, her heart was broken to the ground.
Mom's voice is very loud, her mind is blank, she just wants to cover her ears and let the storm pass quickly. As for what her mother said, she has no time to listen, nor does she want to hear it.
on the way home from school, she looked at the sky, a haze, just like her mood, her mother's roar, pushed her into a dead end in her heart.
she began to wonder whether her mother would go crazy if she ran away from home, and if she died, would her mother wipe away her tears and regret it every day?
the idea of revenge became more and more intense in her mind. She went to the reservoir and jumped down. Fortunately, she was rescued by a passing uncle in time.
Chen Heqin, an education expert, said: children's young hearts are extremely vulnerable to contusions, and any rough and arbitrary way of education is inappropriate.
the emotions that erupt when parents yell at their children and blurt out hurtful words will make their children feel untrusted, unacceptable and angry at the same time.
it's just that most of the time, instead of pointing the finger at their parents, they take revenge on their parents by hurting themselves.
the third story comes from Li Liang (a pseudonym), a teenager in Jiangsu juvie.
he told himself that when he was a child, his father treated him well, he was reluctant to spend money frugally, but he was never stingy with his food and clothing, and he never hit him.
but he has a bad temper and likes to yell. Sometimes even a wrong word may usher in a roar. He looked at his father's twisted face as if he had seen a terrible monster on TV.
he was too scared to answer back. Every time his father finished shouting, he would pretend to be all right and go out with his friends.
later, the more his father yelled, the more rebellious he became. When his father yelled at him, he roared back.
by junior high school, he was numb and began to give up and indulge in online games, thinking, "I don't do anything right anyway."
once, he was playing a game.During the play, he clashed with his friends because he was yelled and scolded by his friends, which brought back painful memories of being yelled at by his father when he was a child. exasperated, he found a fruit knife and stabbed his friends three times in succession!
afterwards, my father particularly regretted: "it's all my fault. He always looks very naughty. I mistakenly thought that yelling once or twice didn't work, so I raised the tone of my voice and scolded harder and harder."... "
teacher Fan Deng explained:
"some children do not respond, but in fact, the child does not know how to deal with injury, so he suppresses it to the subconscious."
in order to protect himself, he seems to have nothing to do with it on the surface, even smiling, but his heart has been extremely hurt. "
when parents yell at their children, children often receive only emotions, but after all, children are children. Young children cannot digest them, so they can only keep suppressing them inward.
until the end, the emotion was detonated, hurting yourself and others.
three stories, three children, let us see one thing:
for parents, it may only be a roar for a minute or two, but for children, harm can last a lifetime.
A survey shows that nearly 90% of parents across the country have yelled at their children.
children who are often yelled at are likely to have these personality problems:
low self-esteem and feeling unworthy of being loved;
habitually flattering others and afraid of being hurt;
lack of sense of security and weak intimacy;
bad temper and indifference.
how terrible is the roar from parents?
in the program "Super Parental Master", there is a mother who likes to roar. When her son refuses to get up in bed, she yells; her son is in a mood to hug, she yells; her son is curious and asks this and that, she also yells.
all day long, the house is filled with mother's screams.
so the parenting teacher took her to the sound experience place and asked her to listen to her own yelling at the child:
"come on, whether to go or not", "are you bored", "what are you doing?"
there were bursts of harsh, sharp, and even hysterical curses.
soon, my mother was frightened by her voice, covered her ears tightly and huddled all over her body.
how destructive is the unbearable roar of adults to young children?
Mom said: I really want to take care of my children, and I hate myself, but I just can't help myself. I need help so much.
indeed, in the process of disciplining our children, we will be tired, helpless, tangled, out of control, and make mistakes.
even Chen Heqin, a famous educator, said with a headache: "it is very difficult for children to raise."
Jane Nelson, author of positive discipline, also had a fierce conflict with her daughter and yelled at her daughter.
so, on the road to quitting roar, you are not alone in fighting, but we are working together.
so, how should we get out of the endless cycle of "yelling at children-blaming ourselves-yelling at children"?
in fact, the book "Don't yell, Don't yell" tells us that self-remorse and guilt do not help to change, and this mentality will only make us lack the motivation to change.
what we need is immediate change in action.
1. Using low-voice education instead of shouting
in "where is Dad going?" Chen Xiaochun often shouted at the top of his voice that Jasper,Jesper was always careful, for fear of accidentally upsetting his father, and father and son getting along very unhappily.
once, Jasper said to his father aggrieved, "you yelled at me many times today."
Chen Xiaochun just began to reflect on himself and should keep his voice down and talk to his children.
later, when Chen Xiaochun spoke to his child in a low voice, Jasper was obviously no longer afraid of his father. The two became much closer, and Chen Xiaochun rarely lost his temper again.
A psychological study has found that when parents criticize in a low voice, they can drive away anger and make people rational and emotionally peaceful, while loud criticism is often easy to detonate emotions.
2. Press the pause button before each anger
writer Natalie Brown has three children, 7-year-old Bell, 4-year-old Milan and 2-year-old Gold, all kinds of mischief and fighting every day.
but she never yelled at her child loudly, but always spoke softly. How did she do it?
it turns out that, in order not to get angry, she would hide in the bathroom and take a deep breath every time she had a conflict with her child.
after calming down, the three children will be allowed to have a constructive discussion about pulling out their hair, throwing the remote control or distributing toys.
Research shows that stormy anger, which often lasts no more than 12 seconds, destroys everything when it breaks out, but then it is calm.
Press the pause button for the emotion to avoid these 12 seconds, and you can eliminate the negative emotion.
3. If you can't help yelling at your child, please apologize to him
educator Yin Jianli said: "the three-point temper that parents lose to their children will cause seven percent harm to their children."
if you can't help yelling at your child, please put down your posture and apologize to your child in time and tell him:
after yelling at your child, we all need a process of calmness, reflection, apology and self-grooming.
by reviewing, recording and tracking the source of our emotions, we can deal with it calmly the next time we encounter a similar event.
with regard to yelling at children, Fu Seoul once said in "Strange works":
Yes.It is possible that some emotions cannot be hidden, but the word "want" represents my wish, and I am willing to work for it.
I hope that no matter how much I break down in my life, I will never yell at my son, "how did I give birth to something like you?" that's why I'm willing to work for it.
it doesn't happen overnight to stop yelling. Even if we know the truth and try all the methods, we may still make the same mistake again and again.
but the path is long and the line is coming.
as long as we keep a growing heart, work hard and make progress every day, we will certainly be able to go to the other side without shouting or shouting.