Please leave me alone.

text /Tongc

"I don't feel it on the surface, nor on the inside." This is a comment I received backstage yesterday. I instantly remembered two words said by others. Once, someone told me that if there is someone you like, you really should not miss it. I also said to him with the same sincerity, of course I know, ah, you think I have never liked, missed or regretted it, but now you have to make me fall in love with someone. Once was an accidental chat, I told my roommates, why should I sigh that I am alone? I think I am too lazy to like a person now. I want to protect myself more than the sweetness of being together, because it is really a hard thing to lose. The mentality is the same as the sentence commented by the reader, there is no feeling on the surface, no feeling on the inside, no dare, there is a feeling.

do not dare to be moved, can only be light, no expectation, no disappointment.

when I was walking home with Q last night, I told her that I didn't know whether I was introverted or extroverted right now. When a group of people got together, I would seriously look at each of them and remember the joyful atmosphere of this moment. But when I left from a party, I felt extremely comfortable walking alone with headphones on the road. Most of the time I look out in a daze. In fact, I don't think about anything and I don't feel depressed. I just don't want to say that there is no one in my world, and I'm not in it myself.

this kind of strange, afraid of a person and feel very comfortable, I don't know what it is. But I remember like I was like this a long time ago, okay? When I lived with my grandparents when I was a child, the alleys in the village were always very narrow, bluestone paved on the road, and the walls on both sides showed moss-like plants after the rain, because every family always lived very close to each other. everyone knows each other, and my most embarrassing thing is here, because at that time, I was very afraid to see others say hello. That day I was playing with ants in the courtyard. I heard two familiar voices at the door. I recognized two neighbors. At that moment, my heart beat fast and there was an inexplicable false alarm. I immediately hid behind the door of the house and turned my back to the alley, waiting for the sound of footsteps to fade before I dared to look out. This feeling of fear of contact with acquaintances or strangers seems to become when you grow up, you don't want to have an emotional connection with others and need to maintain it.

"it's not that I don't want to like others, I have the same feelings, but maybe I don't dare. I am afraid that I do not know how to manage my relationship with others attentively, but when there is no need to accommodate one person, I will not say that it is good for one person to be free or two people to be satisfied. This is a personal choice. If you want the former, you have to envy it in pairs, and if you want the latter, you have to bear all the subsequent emotions. "

I used to like to delete the moments. I don't know if it's childish, because I think it's cool to let others see nothing, but now I don't have this habit a long time ago. but choose to set anything in the circle of friends to "visible only to yourself", so that every time you use the function on Wechat, there will be a kind of peace of mind and comfort. It seems that when a door is closed, there is no longer the kind of illusion and surprise when others break in. However, there are also some disadvantages. I have tried it several times, and someone came to ask me if I had blocked him.

one of the feelings that should not be placed on this kind of psychology must be family affection, but I still do not want to care about those who give everything most selflessly, so every time the guilt in my heart reminds me that I will regret becoming sad in the future loss. Every time I went back to Guangzhou, before I got on the bus, my mother would tell me to call back home when I got back to school. However, except for the beginning of the school year, I never reported that I was safe after getting off the bus. It is impossible for me not to know this feeling of concern and worry, because whenever I have family or friends going out of town, I will say that I must let me know when I get off the plane, but when I become the passive one, I become cold. When I went home on National Day, I stayed at home for three days without going out. On the third night, I didn't even go to the family reunion. I received a call from my grandfather, which made me feel the childishness of the old man because he was worried too much. He said, "Nan, are you angry with your father? why didn't you come back?"

I don't explain too much because I don't know any reason to say that the feeling of heartache is guilt and helplessness. A cold-blooded person simply doesn't deserve the right and opportunity to be worried and worried about by others, is it?

"Why do you block your moments? maybe people want to know how you're doing."

"but I don't need it."

I know someone will want to say that you have to wait for someone who can make you feel at ease, but with the superficial words here, it is very difficult for us to imagine each other's changes in all aspects over the past many years, so, can you not blame me, there is a door, others can not enter, you can not go out, or, do not want to, do not dare to go out.

safe and satisfied, when I'm not excited.

but still want to say, I'm sorry.

in the past two days, I have been reading a book by a favorite writer. It is Jiang Xun's "nothing to do with years". There is such a passage:

"I myself do not collect things, and I have precious things in art. After a long time, it seems to be a life of long experience and disaster, which makes people feel sorry for it." I do not know if it is because I am afraid of this heart's regret that I would rather just rejoice and admire all the beautiful things that the world can be sentimentally attached to, rather than have the chance to love or possess it. "

just now someone said that I found an excuse to like someone, and I felt guilty. He said you don't have to make excuses, you need to feel.Only when you say it will others know that you don't like to be alone at all, you are just afraid, you tell me, how do you feel when you see others show love? "I envy them. I really hope they can go on like this, but I dare not look forward to it for myself." "that's it. Do you really think you can be neither humble nor arrogant? You are humble. Are you deceiving yourself? "

so, I'm sorry to you, too. Maybe I was lying to myself about this article. I was asked about it, so I felt guilty and told the truth.

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in fact, this article was written and arranged yesterday, but 24 hours later, Zhang just sent me a link entitled "Why are more and more young people of the right age not getting married?" a very important point is that due to the development of technology and consciousness, there is no need to find a partner to meet their basic needs in life and physiology. So love has become a prerequisite for marriage. This reminds me of more than two months ago, in a church exchange, a brother said that you refused to give up on yourself because you didn't love you enough.

finally, share a sentence that fits this article very well, although it is about to be overused by fast reading.

"No one likes to be alone, but he just doesn't like disappointment."

-Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Forest