Written on the day of his 21st birthday.
"I am gold, I want to shine."
at this time a year ago, I just finished reading Han Han's Triple Gate, and he wrote at the end of the book: "I am gold, I want to shine."
at that time, Han Han had just dropped out of school and went to Beijing to take part in a new concept composition contest. By chance, he published his first book, Triple Gate. I don't know if he meant it when he said that, but he did shine. In fact, Han Han has always been my idol in junior high school. He dared to tell the truth on his blog and spoke out against some views in this society in his stories.
so last year's birthday I posted such a circle of friends: "I am also gold, I also want to shine, happy birthday."
but in fact, I am not sure whether I am gold or not. I am not sure whether I will fall into a cesspool and become another kind of "gold". I am not sure whether I will continue to write and live in disorder a year later.
but luckily, I didn't hit myself in the face. It was about this time last year that I began to officially publish my articles in disorganized journals. It took me nearly three months from the beginning of cobbling together to being able to express my views clearly. During these three months, I wrote everything, film reviews, current reviews, gossiping and complaining. As long as I was free, I would write down my thoughts and post them in chaos.
at that time, 200 readings were worth laughing all night for me. I set a goal for myself to write a thousand words a day until I could write enough 10W words. Because I know that if there is no quantity, how can there be quality? And when I achieve this goal, I have formed the habit of writing every day, and the amount of reading every day has become your comment on the articles I wrote that day.
but I know that clutter can't go on like this forever, because no one likes to watch unnutritious gossip. So I have been working hard to improve my level.
"I know I'm not good at writing"
now has 5000 followers, which is actually a very failed Subscription account. Because I know a great man who has reached 10W fans in 3 months, but I have been doing it for nearly a year, but I haven't broken ten thousand yet.
although many of my friends will say to me, "I think you write very well." But I know that what they mean by "fine" means "fine" in amateurs. And I want to do more than just an amateur.
in the course of a year, I have thrown what I have seen and heard for 20 years into a mess, so that now I have no new ideas or views at all. I expressed my anxiety to one of my friends: "I don't know what to do now. I write all that stuff, and I don't feel as good as I used to be."
he said, "you are in such a hurry. Writing is something to rise abruptly based on accumulated strength."
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I began to wonder whether I ignored "absorption" and focused only on "output". Should I stop and take a closer look at the road I'm going to take next? at that time, I thought I should slow down and not write in such a hurry. So last semester, I made a disorganized recruitment in order to make myself less in a hurry and have more time to devote myself to a tweet, so the eel whale and the future became a disorganized member. The eel whale said to me afterwards, "I have no idea why you recruited me. You know, I was brushed down by all the organizations I like." She may not know at that time, but in fact, I was also brushed out by the Organization Department of the College of Arts.
after the two of them came, my own tweets became less frequent. I only posted two or three of my own articles a week, and messy also got the qualification of "original" and "praise" and "comment" one after another.
but I am also more and more aware of where my bottleneck is, so I may show up less frequently in the coming time, because I want to find more people with ideas and fight with us (see our second push today).
the eel whale has said in moments that chaos has changed her university. For me, chaos has also changed my university.
this reminds me of something that happened the day before yesterday:
A year ago, I wanted to do an interview with some "awesome" brothers and sisters to understand why they could become so "awesome". At that time, the first thing I thought of was brother Hao Jian, who received 2W likes from Zhihu, so I went to his Subscription account to leave a message and asked if I could have a chance to interview him. But maybe he was so busy that I waited for a long time and no one replied to me.
and just a year later, that is, the day before yesterday, I went with the sowhat team to a shop in Dalang for afternoon tea, and brother Hao Jian sat opposite me, talking to me about his views on sowhat and some advice to me, telling me not to worry too much about gains and losses.
when I told him about the "interview", he smiled and said, "Ah, this kind of thing, we will meet if we are destined to meet." I'll see you now. "
so without it, how could I chat with brother Hao Jian, let alone at four o'clock in the morning, listening to this article written outside the Peony Pavilion. It is even more impossible to know the seniors who gave me advice and join my favorite TEDxXichenglou.
there is no disorder. I may still be the psychological committee member who sleeps in class and plays LOL after class, an inconspicuous classmate, a boring high school classmate, rather than Zhang Jingbao as you now know.
Thank you for giving me a chance to say something to you from time to time. Although I am not sure whether I am a shining gold or a candle burning shorter and shorter, I am still very happy, becauseBecause I like this glowing self.
when I think of these days when I get old, I'm sure I'll take a deep breath and say, "fortunately, I used to shine in those days."
good night, everyone.