I received an email from a fan the day before yesterday.
Wen /Zhang Jingbo
received an email the afternoon before yesterday, entitled "from a disorganized person", the content is as follows:
because of a friend I met disorganized. At that time, it was because I saw your article with the cover of Chunjiao and Zhiming. At that time, I knew I was in love with chaos.
I don't know why, every time you say something straight to the heart, every scene seems to happen to me, even the article I just read, I seem to be suffering from depression, well, depression
I am the one who was selected in the morning. I don't know if I have depression. I suddenly lost interest in everything a few months ago. Originally, on the first day of high school on August 1, I was determined to study hard, but a month later I changed. During that time, I didn't want to go to school. I slept all the time in the classroom. I even told my parents that I wanted to drop out of school. I suddenly resented everything in No. 2 Middle School. I began to alienate them, didn't like talking, liked to be alone, and even asked for leave to stay in the dormitory. I began to know that I had become serious, but I really couldn't change it. I made a decision that I will regret and transfer to another school.
it was during the time when I transferred to another school and went home to live, I saw the chaos.
maybe you can't imagine that your words can change a person, but I want to tell you that you have changed me slowly. I begin to know what I want and what I should do, although sometimes I am still depressed. But I look disorganized. In X, I was regarded as high achiever, and almost everyone could see me, perhaps because I was taken too seriously by others. I began to become famous and self-centered, which led to nightmares later.
but now, I know what I'm going to do. I no longer care about rankings or scores in the exam. I know this third year of high school is aimless, but I don't like being haunted by depression. I just want to learn the subjects I like well and try my best to learn what I don't like. I know it's useless, but I just want to live every day, happy is also a day, unhappy is also a day. Don't let yesterday's sadness waste today's tears. I no longer expect to go to a good university. I look forward to which city I will go to and meet some people.
finally, I hope you can see my words.
@ Zhang Jingshi
I not only saw this email, but also forwarded it to the eel whales.
I said on the group, "Why don't you write her a reply?"
the eel whale said, "I was just about to give her an answer."
Hello, senior high school you.
Let me tell you something. I happened to see an article in Starpat yesterday in which the author mentioned "hawk training". That is, if you want to tame an eagle, you must use "negative stimulus". For example, when we have a dog, the dog gives a food right, which is positive, but for birds of prey, only negative.
and the first step in training an eagle is to boil an eagle. The so-called "boil eagle" is not to let the eagle sleep. The hawk trainer keeps the captured eagle in a dark room or covers its eyes with a hat and guards it day and night to keep the eagle from sleeping. Once the eagle takes a nap, the caretaker pulls the leg rope. The purpose of making an eagle is to get rid of the wildness of the eagle, which usually takes 5 to 7 days.
"the purpose of boil an eagle is to get rid of its wildness."
you have to remember this sentence first, and then I'll tell you my story.
ever since I was a child, I thought I was a very smart person, but I used the stupidest way to learn my science in my third year of high school. I bought a slap-sized notebook and copied all the formulas and knowledge points of chemistry and biology on it.
I recite and recite it there every day, and I don't want to go to bed after class in order to do a few more papers. Before going to bed, he secretly thought: "Ha, I earned another hour today."
but the score is as poor as ever, and the two models are always 3.40 points below the heavy line.
during that time, I buried myself in the pile of examination papers, but I didn't forget to use every available space to find an opportunity to talk back to the head teacher. I even said to him in front of many people, "there are only two months left. Do I want you to care?"
so he really left me alone and didn't say a word to me in those two months. You know, I am the number one in our class. Every night when the lights are turned off, the roommate has to talk to his girlfriend on the phone. Although he is really whispering, I still can't sleep because of my nervousness.
my roommate and I almost fell out and got into a fight because we turned on the sunny lamp when we slept at night.
what is meant by being attacked on the back and abdomen? That's it. When you see the head teacher during the day, you have to pretend to leave me alone. When you get back to the dormitory at night, your eyes are bluish to see who dares to TM a little, and then argue with them, but also quarrel with them. Turning off the lights and going to bed at 12:00 seems to be their biggest concession.
the worst part is that the person I liked at the time TM didn't like me.
who is as miserable as me? I didn't have to transfer to another school or change classes. Because I offended the head teacher, he wanted to transfer me to the last row of the class. I eat alone every night, and I stay in the classroom for more than half an hour after the evening study. At that time, I really felt that I was the hardest working person. I wanted to cry for myself all night.
at that time, I remembered the words of the nine knives on my stage: "not to do your best, but to do it."
did you know that people who want to take an important undergraduate exam are never afraid that they will not be able to get into 2A, and those who want to take 2A will never be afraid that they will not be able to pass 2B.
so as soon as the final results of the college entrance examination came out, I just passed the 2A line, so I had to apply for Dongguan Institute of Technology, which I had never considered. And it was only when the admission letter was issued that I knew that I had been transferred to "Chinese language and Literature" because my score was too low."this liberal arts major.
in fact, I once suspected that I had suffered from depression, but I could confirm that the flames of optimism in my bones were still burning. Because compared to the "poor college entrance examination", I have experienced more incredible things, and those things, when you think of them, it is like eating a stuffy punch, and you are out of breath.
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it is precisely because you have fallen to the bottom that you know how to cherish the sense of security when you set foot on the flat ground.
so I wasn't really sad when I knew I was going to spend four years on pure arts.
"just fool around" was what I really thought at that time.
so I muddled through the first semester of my freshman year. I found that my temper became smaller and I didn't like to refute others, and my passion at 03:00 was slowly worn away by time. After packing up all my things and going home, I want to find a winter vacation job so that I can have more pocket money during the Spring Festival.
so I began to ask the people around me to introduce me to a winter vacation job.
I remember that my cousin said to me at that time, "you can go to the factory if you like. The salary there is very high, and you don't know anything. It's best to go there."
you know, it wasn't until that moment that I realized: the worst thing is not that you don't have a job to do, but that you know that you can only do work like an assembly line.
it was not until that moment that I realized a very serious problem. I seemed to have been domesticated by those "sad to suffocating" experiences. After I went to college, I muddled along. I didn't study or work hard. I only wanted stability in my life and entertainment from time to time. I no longer dare to fight as I did before. I don't want to rush to do something risky. I even have to be lazy to do things that have no risk, such as memorizing English words. I want the domesticated eagle to stay quietly on other people's arms, looking forward to the protection of others.
but I didn't tell you the purpose of that article at the beginning. He wrote about training eagles to tell us about the difficult situation of raptors. There is also a saying: "after humanization, it is basically impossible for many birds of prey to be released." Many birds do not take the initiative to find food or even mate. If they are released, they will die. "
I began to do chaos in my freshman semester, until now. Sometimes people say that my views are too extreme, but I don't want to change because I don't want to be the domesticated eagle.
do you remember? You said in your email:
"I no longer expect to go to a good university. I look forward to which city I will go to and who I will meet."
No, don't be domesticated by those things. I once said the same thing, trying to put my expectations elsewhere, thinking that would be a sigh of relief.
but later found that we should not expect others, but ourselves.
you don't need extravagant hopes at all, but to get closer to your dreams step by step in your own way, and stop worrying about the eyes of others, because it's all for you.
what you need to do is to put your mindset right, and first of all, you have to make it clear that you are not so stressed because you want to learn well, but because you are afraid that you are afraid that you can't learn so hard.
although the process can be difficult and sometimes breathless, that's all I can say. Mr. long Yingtai has an article that I have to read every once in a while, called "fall-to K". She said in it, "but the road of spiritual practice is always lonely, because wisdom must come from loneliness."
so, the next road, you have to go alone.
and disorganized at this time, I can only turn back and say to you something that seems insignificant but extremely sincere:
"be careful, we'll wait for you in front of you."